Vulnerability

Alright, I'm just going to be vulnerable again lol
I'm still processing so much from this summer but the Lord placed it on my heart to share a piece of my last night of reflection with Him. My apologies to those who weren't in Wildwood with me if it doesn't make too much sense... Project Family, most of you know what I'm talking about in this but if you don't, no worries, I shall fill you in because I hold no secrets with y'all :)
So yeah, here's another "page" ripped out of my reflection time with our great and loving Abba.

It is so cool to look at this and see how far the Lord has brought me. To see the ways He directly answered my prayers. To know that He is the only one who knows the deepest and truest desires of my heart and He will satisfy them on His timing and in His own way. Thank you Abba for taking away my biggest fear. No, actually, for conquering my biggest fear. I know it is only by your strength and your grace that I am able to leave here with many instances of being tempted by my flesh but choosing to follow after your call and overcoming that original fear I had at the beginning of the summer. Only because you spoke to me in the ways that you did, only because you moved in my heart and molded my desires, only because you convicted me so strongly of your desire/plan for me was I able to get through the times of temptation. Thank you for placing it on my heart from Day 1 (well 2 if we’re going to be literal but Day 1 technically was just travelling and “moving in”). Thank you for “nudging” me from the beginning with exactly what you desire of me and for me. Thank you for never leaving my side and continuing to change my heart, heal my heart, and turn my selfish desires into desires that are beginning to be aligned with the desires of your heart.

Who am I to be so blessed with this deeply intimate and personal relationship with my Abba? How did I ever get chosen for such an amazing gift? This summer has been incredible. “Treasuring Jesus” couldn’t ring more true in my heart.

Oh you lead me into this desert place.

Tenderly you speak, and you make my heart race.

Now here you are alluring me.

It was this my heart longed for- this intimacy.

Little did I know coming in to this whole project that the majority of my time would be about developing my relationship with the Lord in an intimate and emotional way and not so much about evangelizing and going out into Wildwood. Little did I know that my heart would yearn to talk with my sisters and seek them out more intentionally. Little did I know how much my summer would be rooted in the Lord teaching me about humbleness.

Humbled. I am truly humbled and I pray I will continue to be even after I leave this place. I’m humbled in so many areas, but I’m so thankful that my heart and my eyes are fixed on Jesus and the Lord and following after Him in everything. I seriously never could have dreamed of the strength of which the Lord has brought me to in my walk with Him. I never ever could have imagined that He would call me so directly and move in my heart in such great ways as quickly as He did. I marvel at His timeline. I will never understand His timing as I go through it. But looking back, I know only one thing and that is:

                I am blessed beyond measure and beyond anything that I could have ever deserved.

I think the song that He led me to write would be a great ending to this entry. It sums up so well what I’ve gone through basically this summer and where I’m at right now in my relationship with the Lord.

I knew my needs and desires, or this so I thought.

Confident, I chased them but it was You I forgot.

Now You’ve blocked my attempts- Oh here must I stay?

I’m surrounded by walls; I can’t find my way.

Wounded and aching I come to You.

I’m turning to You, and You alone for rescue.

Oh you lead me into this desert place.

Tenderly you speak, and you make my heart race.

Now here you are alluring me.

It was this my heart longed for- this intimacy.

I wanted to be healed and be made complete.

But I wasn’t willing to surrender everything.

Yet You redeemed the moments my intentions were wrong.

And stronger came Your calling, I couldn’t hold on for long.

Stripped of every comfort, desire, and peace;

In this brokenness, only You captivate me.

Oh you lead me into this desert place.

Tenderly you speak, and you make my heart race.

Now here you are alluring me.

It was this my heart longed for- this intimacy.

You bestowed me in love, compassion, and justice.

In Your spacious love, my soul lies down and rests.

Be with me oh Yahweh, great delight You take in me.

Quiet me with Your love, rejoice over me singing.

Could I keep all that I think satisfies me, I would.

But I trust where He calls me because He is good.

Oh you lead me into this desert place.

Tenderly you speak, and you make my heart race.

Now here you are alluring me.

It was this my heart longed for- this intimacy.

“But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.

Each day has enough trouble of its own.”     – Matthew 6:33-34

Week 1 in Pictures

Applying to jobs online at our WiFi bench since we don't have it at the house.

Sunrise Service on our first Sunday here

My friend Becca playing with some of the staff kids at Sunset Beach.

Sunset at Sunset Beach

What a blessed day. Got to see the sun rise and the sun set in the same day.

Burying our friend Jon Chan in the sand :)

They built a moat around him

Pizza Night in Stone Harbor at Peace a Pizza

Our new friend Ernie the Parrot in Stone Harbor

Wildwood Summer Project: Week 1 - Journal Entry

A snippet from my journal entry Day 2:

June 2, 2011 - Time with the Lord
It's funny how I'm at the beach, a beautiful town with beautiful weather, and what I find particularly beautiful about the Lord this morning is all the beautiful, worshipful people I'm surrounded by. I was reflecting this morning at how much God has worked in my heart and made me whole and strong. I was so worried about meeting everyone because I used to panic in large groups of strangers. But because of God's grace He has healed me of that insecurity and because He dwells in the hearts of all these people around me, yesterday wasn't hard at all, and in fact it was so much fun! It is such a beautiful sight to see so many hearts desiring to please and glorify God. And young people at that. I can't even begin to describe how encouraging and uplifting is is (ALREADY!) to be in this presence and environment! I was quite disheartened and weary at the end of the semester about living in a college environment and whatnot, but the past day has refilled me so much with being near to those who are near my God. 

As cliche as it is, it's the truth and I have to say it: a year ago- no, not even six months ago- I would never have guessed that I would be here in Wildwood. God is so amazing in the way that He rules over our lives. My journey here didn't necessarily start with a calling, but with God's hand in a new and intimate friendship and a desire for something greater. I remember stressing about summer internships at the start of the semester and the more and more that I looked for a job, the more and more I became frustrated and uninterested in the places at which I was looking. And then a friend told me about Crusade Summer Projects. I remember starting my application and being so convicted through just this application that I broke down crying and really didn't want to finish it. But that same friend stayed by my side, encouraging me with the Word and God's truth and really supported me as I got through the application process. Sometimes I wonder if I ever would have finished my application if it weren't for my friend reaching out to me and letting God work through through them to change my heart. I'm so thankful for the people God brought into my life this semester. I do not know why He blesses me so.

And the support God provided monetarily for me to be here. Boy, am I so unbelievably thankful for such generous hearts. It has been such an interesting experience with all this support raising. My heart has been molded in so many ways. God turned my heart of fear and trying to be in control to such sheer reverence and trust in Him. I'm experiencing His grace like never before and longing to shout praises of gratefulness. It is so hard to express my gratitude and thankfulness to its true depths to the people who have supported me being here. At times I want to cry tears of humbleness at how blessed I am. My heart longs even more each day to glorify Him and please Him through my walk.

Children get older, I'm getting older too

My little brother graduates from high school in just a couple hours. I have so many mixed emotions going on in my heart right now. This past year has been pretty challenging for me having been so far away from home for so long. I can't believe how quickly time flies by and I am saddened by having missed out on quite a bit of my siblings' lives this past year. It's becoming harder as time goes on and I'm farther away from home, and I feel more like an outsider each time someone asks me about my family and what they're up to. Because my brother, sister and I are so close in age, growing up we were always in each others' business. As little kids we did a lot of activities and what not together too. It seems like just a few years ago when we were at our old house playing outside and John was always building forts or just climbing to the tops of trees. I miss that time of just pure imagination and exploration. I remember tormenting John by locking him in his room because as a baby he would find ways to escape so we put a latch on the outside of his door but once he grew up we never took it off and during those lovely elementary school years I had quite a bit of fun with that. So many thoughts and emotions are going through my mind and heart right now, about John, memories, the past year, and how things are changing as we're growing older. But I'm definitely thankful to have been blessed with the family that I have and the fun memories and adventures I've had with my brother and sister growing up.

Tumblr

Alrighty, so I've kind of transitioned into Tumblr because I haven't been able to find time to write out blog posts and I can just do quick thoughts in Tumblr. BUT I will still be updating this so don't give up on me! I just wanted to let y'all know you can follow my trains of thought at more random and shorter disbursements at http://belovedwomanofgod.tumblr.com/

Beautiful Syracuse?

From those that don't live here in Syracuse, I'm often asked how I'm enjoying the snow and horrible weather. While the white stuff is the predominant thing you will see here year round and the weather is the most inconsistent force I've ever experienced, there are some surprising days that God makes His beauty known and I'm just humbled by His grace and power. I've been taking a few pictures and thought I'd post a few for today's post. :) Enjoy!

P.S. None of these are in any way edited. 

Our God is just that amazing and the sky really was that beautiful!!

Story of My Life: Papers

As the title suggests, my life the past few weeks has consisted of writing paper after paper, and in the next month I have even more to write, especially with final exams coming near. So, because I don't have much time to write an in-depth post, I'm going to post one of the papers I just wrote for my Global Community class. I guess it can give you an idea of what I've been studying some in one of my classes and just hopefully something interesting to read. So, enjoy!

2010: The Year of Couch Cosmopolitans

            In today’s society, there is no doubt that we live in a global community. Globalization is occurring all around us, and we find ourselves more connected with other parts of the world than ever before. As we become increasingly aware of the great needs of those around us, we try to decide upon our attitude towards globalization, and one attitude that has become more popular is that of a cosmopolitan. Yet, the real issue of dealing with the effects of globalization comes not in questioning our attitude towards a resolution, but in how we will actually implement these ideals and physically go about doing so.

            While some professors like Martha C. Nussbaum focus on the point that everyone should be a cosmopolitan in this very idealistic, utopian manner, others like John H. Rosenthal provide deeper insight into the interactions of humanity and present a plan of action where Nussbaum had not. Rosenthal helps us to understand that as cosmopolitans we have “perfect and imperfect duties” that we can utilize simultaneously and not conditionally. He shows us how progress in solving cosmopolitan interests won’t be reached unless people actually perform those duties and utilize all the “thick” connections they have to help improve their “thin” connection with this global community in which we live.  (Rosenthal, p.5)

            Take, for example, the United States’ reaction towards the earthquake in Haiti in 2010. Social interconnectedness made it easier to touch on cosmopolitan sensitivities and raise money and activism from people of all ages across the US nation. Music concerts with all the biggest celebrities were held to raise funds, televised live all over the nation with a text campaign included in commercials to raise even more money. But does that really make you a cosmopolitan, sitting on your comfy couch under your sturdy roof in the safe US texting a few letters to the “Help Haiti Fund”? If we were to truly follow what Nussbaum says to define a cosmopolitan, then yes, the thousands of kids, or should we say parents who actually foot the cell phone bill, who donated money through the text campaign are cosmopolitans and all is well. (Nussbaum, pg. 7) But how did you know what your money helped do for the people of Haiti? How could your act of cosmopolitanism have possibly impacted you in the ways Nussbaum believes cosmopolitan education can? (Nussbaum, pg. 8)You did not have a plan behind your action and therefore had no way of seeing the actual effect of your attempt at making the world a better place.

            Now think on a larger scale and you get a majority of the NGO’s and charity organizations that rushed in soon after this disaster to distribute aid. These persons did go one step farther in their cosmopolitan duties than their fellow couch cosmopolitans, but the majority of them can only say that they gave families without food meals, children without shelter a tarp to sleep under, and babies who were sick and dying the medical treatment that they so desperately needed. These were all necessities in terms of human rights and satisfying the basis for being a cosmopolitan, but what happened to the Haitian people when these cosmopolitans left and time went on?  The supplies and the workers were gone, yet they found themselves still staring in the face of extreme poverty but with no knowledge of real life application to solve their everyday problems. While the intentions were just, it is this unwarranted optimism that makes Nussbaum’s cosmopolitanism so utopian and idealistic and obscures the actual reality of what it means to be a cosmopolitan in today’s world of globalization. (Himmelfarb, pg. 3)

Articles Referenced:
"Patriotism and Cosmopolitanism" by Joel H. Rosenthal from the 2009 International Affairs Conference
"The Illusions of Cosmopolitanism" by Gertrude Himmelfarb from For the Love of Country? (see below)
"Patriotism and Cosmopolitanism" by Martha C. Nussbaum from For the Love of Country?

Week of Solitude: Sunday/ Monday

Saturday night I decided I needed to take this next week "off" from the rest of the world and just solely focus on my academics and personal walk with God. I told myself that I would stay off of Facebook and keep my phone turned off for the week and that I would be keeping my door closed.

What sparked this desire for a week of solitude? Two things mainly. #1) My workload is ridiculously intense and within the next week and a half I have so many papers, mid-term exams, and just regular weekly article readings and analyses that ideally this is the only way I'll even be able to get the work done. #2) This semester has been so drastically different than last semester in the sense of being surrounded by so many amazing Christian brothers and sisters when I had been pretty much completely isolated in Italy, and I'm honestly having a difficult time adjusting to that right now. My life is being turned upside down in so many ways by God, and there is no doubt in my mind that these are all means by which he will strengthen me and grow me in my walk with him, but nonetheless, I can't deny I'm going through a time of trial in adjusting to this different environment. So, after having had an amazingly fun and exciting past two weeks with my Christian brothers and sisters, I'm throwing in the towel and retreating :)

Sunday: Started off with sleeping in which was much needed, then a fairly unproductive morning because I kept falling asleep while reading, followed by a visit from a friend which was extremely enlightening spiritually, and finally ending the day with some major working ahead for a couple of my classes, finishing homework for Monday classes, yet putting off the one item that is of the top of my to-do list this week (or in my head it is at least) which is a 5 page paper for my Maxwell class- Global Community. This essay alone counts for 15% of my final grade. EEK!

Monday: Woke up after the longest amount of sleep I've gotten in the past 2 ½ weeks which was absolutely refreshing! Went to my classes, spent my 2 hour break studying for a Spanish quiz I thought I was going to get to make up in class today since I missed it on last Thursday, only to find out in class that she wasn't going to let me make it up :( Had a nice dinner with my prayer partner for the week from my women's small group bible study. And procrastinated even more on this stinkin' paper..... :/ I honestly can't recall exactly what I was doing during the 3 hours that I wasn't working... Unfortunately I do have to confess that there was some Facebook involved! :'( I thought I could resist the temptation myself but it turns out my ability to procrastinate is much greater than my ability of self-control so I ended up having to ask my dear friend Gabby to change my Facebook password (again...) and now that issue is out of the way! The phone hasn't been that difficult to resist checking but there was one instance today where I needed to talk to someone at that moment and was on a tight time limit so I turned my phone on and made a quick call, which definitely defeats the purpose of solitude but what's done is done :/

So today has been pretty weird trying not checking my phone or Facebook and not interacting with people, but now at the end of the day, I'm not really anxious or upset about it. It's been so nice to have so much time to share my thoughts and feelings with God today when that time has been occupied by other people the past few weeks. This past week I have definitely recognized this feeling of missing all of that amazing one-on-one time that I had with God during so much of my time in Italy, but I didn't really realize how much of a difference in my peace of mind and happiness it has left on me since I've been here. Today was such a disgusting day with the weather and temperatures and workload, but I was so constantly cheerful and at peace throughout the entire day that I really didn't notice and take to heart these things that normally would've brought me down.

During my quiet time tonight though, God has definitely spoken to me in way completely pertaining to my week of solitude. I'm finishing the last few pages of "Captivating" (which I didn't realize I hadn't actually completely finished) and one of the things I read tonight was about the friendships of Christian women in our lives. While what was said is especially true for the women in my life, I was also thinking about the brothers God has brought into my life as well while reading this. "But with the grace of God firmly holding us, reminding us that he is the source of our true happiness, it is possible to nurture and sustain deep friendships throughout our lives. We are not made to live our lives alone. We are designed to live in relationship and share in the lives of other women. We need each other. God knows that. He will help us. We have only to ask and surrender, to wait, to hope, and in faith to love." God is definitely reassuring me through this little passage that this new adjustment and environment in my life are such blessings that will indeed help me to grow in my walk with him. I realize I need not hold on to my special time I had with him in Italy because the circumstances are much different now and this is the environment in which He has placed me and to have faith in Him and trust in Him. I am so humbly amazed at how He answers my prayers, and to do so, in this specific case, in such a quick manner, I'm just left wondering "How am I even worthy of this love?"

New Year, New School, New Country

I realize I haven't updated this blog in ages. Things got quite hectic at the end of the semester and most of you know about my interesting adventure of getting home. Maybe one day if I have some spare time I'll write it all out and post it, but most likely that won't be happening :)


Anyways, I'm now at the home campus in Syracuse, NY and I'm slowly but surely adjusting to this new life here. The academics are much harder, the weather is much more gloomy, and the excursions to new places are much less, but nonetheless I have continued to make some amazing friends and fill my adventure time doing just as fun and exciting things with them.  The majority of my new-found friends are my brothers and sisters in Campus Crusade here on campus. They have been such an amazing group. From the very first day they have always welcomed me with open arms and now I get sad having to stay in my room and do homework instead of hanging out with whomever from Cru. 


Because I have a rather heavy academic load this semester I can't update this and be as lengthy as I would like, but I will try hard to at least put up some pictures every week and a few bullet points and what not :D


So, for now, here are some of the fun things I've done so far here at SU:

Successfully unpacked and moved into my dorm room!

Orientation Dinner at World-Renown Restaurant, Dinosaur BBQ

Sat on a giant pile of snow!

Cheered on the Orangemen against Cincinnati!  

Prepared for Orientation Late Night at the Gym Games!

Won an inflatable horse race!

Beat Cliff in the inflatable race by a toe!

Bundled up for -20 degree weather! 

Enjoyed delicious cafeteria comfort food, making my way to the F15!

Enjoyed my first Bubble Tea at the Unique Tea House!

Rode the South Campus bus at 1am singing and playing songs with these guys! (Hopefully a video will soon be posted.. So far, the funnest night I've had here!)

Rearranged the extra-wide open double after the roomie moved out!